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Hospital Gaurantees ER Will See and Misdiagnose All Patients Within 30 Minutes or Less.  Valleyview Hospital in Desmoine , Iowa has joined ranks with a growing number of medical institutions in promising shorter emergency room wait times in an effort to attract patients. Hospital administration expects to drastically improve patient satisfaction as well as their own bottom line.
Points out one administrator, "Not only do we charge 4 times as much as their regular doctor, but our decreased turn around time and lack of physicians with clinic experience means they'll be out the door with sub-par care and back the next day sicker than ever for another visit!"
Dr. David Feck, E.D. coordinator for the hospital, says he plans to change the name of his E.R. to "Doctor Dave's STD and Common Cold Clinic."
Dr. Feck is so confident of his institution's abilities to provide timely service that he offer's the following gurantee, "If we don't see you in thirty minutes, we'll give you access to the radiologist's premium blend coffee pot on the thrid floor. For a limited time, bleeders and people who are choking will also recieve a voucher for a bowl of our cafeteria's famous clam chowder."
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Vascular Surgeon Touts Use of "Laser-Like Precision" on Everything. |
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Dr. Brian Berbank, chief vascular surgeon, and well-known perfectionist, at St. Joseph's University Hospital can't stop saying "with pinpoint accuracy" after every sentence.
Long time friend and fellow surgeon Dr. Brigs remarked, "It's a mixed blessing. He's an outstanding surgeon, really. But when it comes time to carve the pumpkin at halloween, his wife has me take their kids camping then she hits the valium pretty hard."
His wife is also ambivalent when it comes to her husband's anal retention, "It's true it takes him two hours to shave every morning not including a ten minute |
Top: Dr. Berbank reconnects microscopic blood vessels in the O.R. |
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Below: Dr. Berbank scrutinizes a tough peice of meat at a steak house. His wife has already left. |
| Right: Move over Cassanova! The vascular specialist prepares for an intimate moment with his wife, one of three this year, according to his better half. |
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scrub. But come Thanksgiving our house is the only one on the block with the turkey carved into neat little piles of white meat, dark meat, nerves, arteries and veins."
Dr. Berbanks' razor sharp attention and unwavering persistence also routinely aid him in his never-ending quest to carefully catalogue the flaws of his friends, family members, neighbors, and often complete strangers.
Despite his talents, Dr. Berbanks' tendencies have also led to several complications over his long career, such as inadvertently severing several friendships, and unexpectedly bisecting his first marriage after only six months. |
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| Bottom: The surgeon finds time to point out typesetting errors in the daily paper. And laugh hysterically at Dagwood. |
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Cafeteria Ham Salad Used by Emergency Department to Induce Vomiting. |
Under a new initiative, your hospital's emergency room will be using the cafeteria's ham salad to induce vomiting. Touted as a faster alternative to syrup of ipecac and less invasive than charcoal, the new intervention will finally assure the former sandwhich staple will no longer befoul the physician's lounge.
ER physicians hope the move will lead to a hospital-wide reduction in stank-breath, and point to the cost saving technique of using heat lamps to increase the salad's emetic potential exponentialy.
The homeless people who routinely rummage through the hospital's waste receptacles have seen the move coming for some time. "We call it 'vomit grease,' 'puke lube,' or 'The poop-shoot hurricaine maker," said one hapless vagrant.
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Your
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