*M edical student during rounds: "The rectal exam was difficult. He kept pulling away even though I was comforting him with my hands on his shoulder"
*Medical Student's exam note, "Rectal exam refused by student."
*Overly concerned family member, "Isnt that IV fluid bag empty, why hasnt it been changed?"
- Paramedic, "That's a Foley bag. " *Medical Student: "Are you sexually active?"
- Young Female Patient: "No, I usually just lie there." *MS3 "You were in the Army. . did you ever serve abroad"
- VA Pt "I served several {broads}."
*"The voices in my head are driving me crazy."
-Insightful Psych patient. * "Does that feel good?" - Extraordinarily nervous medical student during first pelvic exam. * "Do you think the chili I ate made my @ss bleed like this?"
-VA patient to medical student * "A surgeon with an antibiotic is like a fish with a bicycle."
-Infectious Disease Specialist *Medical Student on rounds - "Vital signs stable. Urine input and out put are fine." *Dictation madness: "Nodule found on fiscal exam."
*Actual Surgery H&P:
S: Pt says he has appendicitis.
O: He does.
Plan: OR. *You say cerumen, I say. . .
"ENT attempted removal of patients cerebrum, but the patient did not tolerate the procedure." *OB rotation insanity: (Sangria - to drink Sangre - to bleed)
MS3 - "Tienes Sangria en su vagina?" *Ridiculous late night surgery cross-cover page:
RN- "Sorry to bother you, Mr. Smith was just wondering if he could see his appendix." *MD - " Do you have promiscuous sex. . . sex with more than one person?"
Pt - "No sir, just one at a time." *Orders made simpl(y stupid).
- "DC anceph, start kefzol" *From an Operative Report: "Complications: medical student present." * "The b!tch shot me."
- Cheif Complaint of a trauma patient. *Worst Page: occurs at 2 AM.
RN - "I was just showing the nursing student how the paging system works." *ER Doc - "You'll have to admit this guy. I've started him on heparin and I'm sending him to CT to rule out [aortic] dissection." * Lecture on physical examination, U.W. Seattle. Professor is discombobulated after mincing the following words while simulating rectal exam with his hands in front of class:
". . . Then you insert your penis into the rectum."
*VA patient to Intern: "Hey, I've been looking for you for hours. Can you get me a Pepsi and some ice?" *Dictation of head CT, ". . ."No acute CVA, no hemorrhoids seen." *Hospitalist, "Well Sir, it's not your heart that's causing you problems.
Patient, " It's not? Then whose heart is it doc?" *Intern - "So you're retired. . from what?"
Pt. - "I used to be a seaman."
Resident - "Didn't we all?" *Allergies at admit: 38
At discharge: 42
Included on list: oxygen tubing, mops, doctors except the cardiologist, hydrogen.
*This is an actual MRI. http://bmj.bmjjournals.com/cgi/content/full/319/7225/1596/F3
*Worst Page #2:
RN - "Yes doctor, he's bleeding out of his rectum, all over the place."
Intern - "What are his vital signs?"
RN - "There's no time for that Doctor, we've got to clean him up."
*Dictation : "Dialysis dependant male preparing for discharge post bologna amputation"
*Dictation " Pt. was well until the development of a superficial right arm, which resolved."
*Medical Student begins episiotomy by saying - "you're going to feel a little prick."
*Worst late night Page:
Nurse: "I was calling because Mr. X's diet says he can have two milks."
Resident: "And?"
Nurse: "He's only gotten one" More Coming soon - with your help! |
